Love or Fantasy

When you think you love a Narcissist, when you think your world revolves around them, when you believe there is no one like else like them, when your on a high of happiness that only they can seem to bring to you, are you really in love with them, or just totally blindsided by the fantasy that they make you believe is real?  I honestly believed I was very much in love with mine. I experienced real and true love before. This wasn’t my first time, I was not young and foolish, it wasn’t infatuation, my feelings were  very real . I felt contentment and so much happiness, at least at the beginning. Until I had to question in my head, and not my heart things that just didn’t feel right, my gut instincts told me things were not as they appeared, was I actually loving a fantasy, were my feelings exaggerated by something I had longed for, and wanted back in my life again? Is this how I missed the signs of  the true Narcissist/Sociopath at his con and manipulation of me. Was I  really the one living the fantasy or did my charmer hypnotize me into believing that he was my knight in shinning armor and instead he pulled me into his fantasy world? I ask myself so many questions and this is one as crazy as it sounds could have been how he was able to manipulate me and turn my world upside down. We as woman love romance and we all have our fantasies of our perfect man, perfect relationship, perfect love. We are seduced by people all the time, not always as a sexual nature, but we are seduced with mind games.  The Narc/Socio being romantic, passionate, loving, caressing, erotic, sensual, and oh, so convincing of the attention they want to shower you with. The hugs, kisses, caresses, the deep soul penetrating looks as they look into your eyes. Oh yes, those things that we crave and long for, they hit on every imaginable one , they sneak into our senses, our bodies, and in the depths of our minds. Then we absorb it all in like a sponge taking in every ounce of affection and all the romance they are willing to give us. They want to make a good impression and they do at first. But their planned out charade of sweeping you off your feet eventually comes to a halt, and the deceitful liar and manipulator comes into your perfect world and blows the  romantic fantasy all to hell.

I have tried repeatedly to figure out where these masters of deceit learned to be so convincing and manipulating. Does it really stem from a brain malfunction, is it the genes, is it learned behavior, is it from upbringing or abuse?  I am so convinced that my charmer knew everything he was doing. I believe they study each victim at length, to see what plan they can put into action or what lengths they can go to, to achieve their ultimate goal of charming their victims into  their twisted fantasy of life. Once conned into this world I believe we  start living their fantasy, and once they have us, they abuse and take whatever they can for their own satisfaction, and they do not care how much we love them, how much they hurts us, or how destroyed we are afterwards, they achieve what they set out to do with no repercussions, no compassion, no  empathy, and no soul, which makes them evil. Once victimized they gloat in their glory of power over their victims, this is where I believe there are malfunctions in the brains of these monsters. Normal people  don’t just don’t do these things. I think they get so caught up in their cons, that it becomes their whole world and they think nothing is wrong with their entitlements and manipulations, to them this is normal behavior, which we know is not, and it is not acceptable.  It’s all about taking , using, and abusing for them, the power and high that it gives them, being in control, and never showing any love or empathy, because it simply does not exist in their world. For most, once their con is up they repeat with new victims.They just keep going until when? Does it ever stop, do they get caught, do they get help, do they feel guilty or have remorse ever? Well I believe the answer is pretty much a big NO!!!!

To this day my charmer still is going around doing the same thing he  did to me, his ex-fiance, and countless others before us. I doubt that he will ever stop, he thinks he is normal and above others. I truly feel bad for the person  he is with now, or victim I should say. I want to  warn her about him and all his deceit. I know this type of abuse needs to stop. If I tried to let her know, would she believe me, no one ever wants to believe someone is capable of such things. I know I didn’t, I was in shock and so much disbelief about someone I  loved and trusted. I still find it hard to believe the lengths he went to, to hide and do all the things he did behind my back, the lies straight to my face. It still hurts when I think about how much I believed him. I still replay  things in my mind to see if I could have known sooner, or caught him, if I could have been more aware, or smarter. Looking back no matter how smart I am, no matter how much I trusted, him, no matter how much I believed in him, and no matter how much I loved him,  I think the result would have been the same. He was really good, in fact almost too good to be detected, he is a master of manipulation. This was my first experience with someone like this , how was I to know?  He was so believable and so convincing to others, he had already turned his family against me with a bunch of bullshit lies before he left my house, without my knowledge. He had to cover his ass in case I found out the truth and he went above and beyond to make sure they didn’t want anything to do with me. So, no matter what I would say they wouldn’t beleive me and they didn’t of course. But I know the truth. My truth of him has set me free no matter what anyone thinks, he has no truth so he will never be free, never. I do believe his lies will catch up with him someday. There is this thing called Karma and for all those he victimized he will pay, and I tried to calculate  just how many he victimized , my estimation is there could be hundreds, imagine how many times Karma will bite him in the ass. His fantasy world will crumble , yes I do believe he lives in a fantasy world. I am so glad I escaped his fantasy world. I’m glad I didn’t live with him too long in it, I can honestly say  I did love a Narcissist and I did love a fantasy, a fantasy that wasn’t real. but I now know the experience from it and I do not want to experience that ever again. I know the difference  and  I am so glad to be living in my world, which is the real world and my fantasies of a knight in shinning armor only exists in fairy tales.

For anyone who has been victimized by a Narc/Socio, I hope you are the road to recovery and not stuck in their make-believe fantasy world. I hope you are strong and living your life for you. You count, you deserve happiness, joy, and peace in your life. If your stuck and don’t know how to leave or get out of your situation, seek help from a professional, friend, or family member. You will regain your control over your life and not at the hands of someone else. I know its difficult but once you take that step, you will have the courage to make your life better and yes, you deserve that and so much more. Hell yes you do!!!! My life is getting so much better and if I can be an inspiration and help someone then it makes it all the better for me too. We are not alone against these evil monsters, as I always say there is strength in numbers and if we can stand together, maybe these NPD’s wont be able to break through our walls and leave us defenseless and broken. Tell everyone you know about this disorder, so we can get this very real sickness out there and stop them from victimizing and destroying people’s lives. Thank you for reading my blog. Stay Strong!!!!!

D.

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling liberated, not berated.

Its been  almost 8 months since My Charmer left and I am finally coming to a place in my life where I am no longer berating myself for falling for all his lies and manipulations. I feel like I am becoming the person that I always have been, and who I will continue to be from this point on. I don’t feel lost or confused, or frustrated for not understanding the damage and evil that people with this type of disorder cause. I know it was not anything on me, or anything I did or did not do. I had no idea or a clear understanding that these types of people actually exist and can cause so much hurt and pain. It was not because I was not smart enough to know or see the signs. It was not because I was clueless, or that I didn’t sense when things felt off or not quite right. It was not because I was over infatuated or so blindsided by my love for this person. This was a result of falling for my Narc/Socios Charm. He was absolutely so full of it and I was so sucked in because of his years of practice on his victims, because of his acting ability to make himself so believable, so convincing and so trusting. Oh yes, he played out his part so expertly to get me to trust him, and once I did, he had me, and boy he had me good. Looking back at the beginning it feels as though he actually hypnotized me and then I became his puppet on a string. I became whatever he needed me to be for his own selfish reasons.  I was so manipulated and did not know how much I actually was until I found out  later the truth of who this masked evil person really was.

I could have been any of these people on this post, but I was not only just a woman, but I am also a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a friend, and a decent human being that was victimized by a person that I am convinced knew exactly what he was doing, and did it with intent to cause a deep hurt and mental pain that will never completely go away. What he doesn’t know is that I never let him break me apart completely. I never will. I have fought back to stay strong, to heal myself from all his deceit, to not berate myself, to not feel stupid, and to not let this awful experience harden me or my heart from loving and caring about others. I will never give him that kind of power or satisfaction, he doesn’t deserve to know anything about me anymore. Right now he doesn’t really exist to me. That is not to say there may be brief moments when a thought of him may pop up in my mind, or like recently I had a dream of him and even in the dream he was still lying and saying he wasn’t that type of person, but yet he was with other women, and it just went on and on.I am sure as I continue to process this , there will be those little  snapshots in my head, but as I said, they are there briefly because I have learned to block it out just about as quickly as they come now. I had to do that for myself and even as I am writing my experience with him, as I am recalling everything he did,  he just doesn’t feel real to me anymore or like I was even with him. I am sure it’s because I have come to better terms with everything, I am still angry over something he did that will have an impact on my life and for that there will never be any forgiveness, but I have moved forward and past all the craziness and my focus is to help others and share what I went through. For all practical purposes he really wasn’t  real, a real person does not put on a hideous mask for selfishness, and fake who they are to use and abuse people for their own greed, and satisfaction to feel nothing, but yet  continue on to the next victim. I have said this many times before,  he is getting older, his charm will eventually wear off and hopefully his dick will stop working or fall off. The sad thing is in the meantime how many more have to suffer because of his sick personality disorder. Sometimes I really think he knows exactly what he is doing , he is aware constantly that he could be caught cheating or lying at any  given moment, so he is constantly planning ahead, so I don’t believe his mind is that distorted. He knows what the hell he’s doing and does it with such malice and contempt. I am not sure if that makes him somewhat smart, really stupid, or really messed up in his thinking, but bottom line is, it isn’t right or normal in any sense of the word.

Although it has taken maybe a shorter amount of time than others for me to bounce back from My Charmer, it still isn’t all smooth sailing, I have had help and support along the way with one hell of a determination that the SOB just isn’t worth my time or energy to be wasted on  anymore and all the bad and evil things he did. I know who I am as a person, I love and care about people, I am happy with myself. I know he has nothing in life, and he doesn’t love himself, let alone anyone else. He is always looking over his shoulders and always on the hunt for someone better or more money. What an unstable way to live life. I have had bumps in the road in my life and ups and downs, but I am thankful for who I am and what I have, I know I don’t have to exhaust myself pretending to be someone I am not because I am real , take me or leave me, like me or love me, but I am authentic and I am proud of that. So at this point, I can honestly say I am almost where I need to be, a little more work ahead, much more blogging, I still have so much more that I want to share and say. This is what has helped my healing as well. I have come this far, in a short amount of time, even though it seems like it has taken a very long time to get to this point, I am super proud and super excited at my progress and this is the most  Liberating feeling I have had in a very long time and it feels Fantastic!!!!

As always I want to reach out to anyone who wants to share their feelings or experiences. I know for me it has helped me with sharing with another victim who was also with My Charmer. At this point we have become friends and we are there for each other and are very supportive and we take the time and effort to check up on each other, especially if we don’t hear from each other for a couple of days. I can’t even describe what it means to be able to have that , its been invaluable, she’s been a godsend, she’s a lovely person to boot. The coolest thing is we have that bond that we can understand, because we have been through it. Even my counselor thinks it has been a great thing for us to have connected  and help each other the way we have, I totally agree. There is a lot of help and information out there, but there is  just something so much more meaningful being able to share with someone personally that has or is going through it as well. I have tremendous support from my counselor, she is another reason I have gotten this far. I feel very blessed to have these two lovely ladies support and help. Any type of abuse from anyone, even family members, please reach out and get help. I read all the information I could in the beginning which was very helpful and there was just so much I didn’t know, but feel so much better educated on these types of personality disorders now.  I know everyone’s situation is different, but there is so much available. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself,  don’t be bullied by co-workers, spouses, boyfriends, friends. Take care of you, you are important. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, please feel free to share or tell others.

D.

 

 

 

Victim’s Truth

 

 

 

Today I have been thinking about how the Narcissist/Sociopath distorts the truth to make themselves look like the victims. They plan in advance for the falling out they will undoubtedly have with their current victim. They know their con, scams, will at some point blow up in their face and they have already had their plan B ready for action. Once the person they profess to care and love, has had enough of their lies, cheating, manipulation, and abuse, they will confront their abuser, and of course they will lie and make their victim feel like shit for even thinking such thoughts, they will lie some more and act innocent and try to reverse everything to make you look like your wigging out over nothing. My Charmer used to just point-blank stare at me as if to say how dare you accuse me of those things. He wouldn’t say anything to really defend himself, it was just that blank stare, and looking back and remembering it, it was really creepy. It was like I was talking to a  empty shell of a person. I now realize he had no feelings or emotions about what I said to him. I recall one time I called him out about  him being on dating sites, talking to and texting other women. He got very angry and said he wasn’t of course, and even said I could look at his phone and computer as he wasn’t on anymore sites and he deleted all his friends off his phone, female friends. I didn’t look although I should have, but he made me feel like I was over reacting over nothing and I sensed that if I would have pushed him more about it, I would have seen a side of him that I didn’t want to, it was a little scary thinking about it now. I ended up feeling guilty which he played it out that way so I would, and he knew I wouldn’t look, so his manipulation worked on me, without me even realizing  he knew I would tell him if he was being truthful, I didn’t need to look at his phone or computer. He knew how I felt about honesty and he played it out to the hilt so he would be believable. He had done this many times especially when he could sense my anxiety about certain things, he would flip a switch and act like he cared about  what I thought and he always convinced me he was being honest.

Yes, he did a lot of convincing, not only to me but his little flying monkeys as well. He even had his plan B ready in advance for his mom and sister. Anywhere he goes he tries to cover his tracks so people will believe he is a nice, respectful, caring person. He is worse than  the worse bullshitter, because he pours on the charm and makes everyone believe he is so sincere, so when the time comes to be called out on his bad actions, there is no way for anyone he has worked his charm on would believe such terrible things about him. I could say I don’t know how anyone could be so gullible, but I was sucked into his bullshit as well and I don’t consider myself to be that damn gullible, that is just how good he has gotten to be, his lines have been rehearsed over and over for many years. They are practiced from place to place and from woman to woman, and yet he still continues to keep getting away with his scams. He has used the same lines  on a lot of his flying monkeys and over the course of a couple of years and wouldn’t you think people would get tired of the same woe is me stories and the repeated lies and especially as he uses an ex as a scapegoat?  It’s frustrating to know when a decent human being is constantly dragged through the mud and they cannot even defend themselves from all the lies. How many has he done this to and how long does this have to continue?  Even though my charmer wasn’t in love with me, I stupidly was with him, and thought we were at least best friends with respect, and honesty, and I never thought he would have drug me through the mud as he did others before me. Before he left for California, I told him I would find out what he was all about, I would figure it all out and this was with intent to help him as a friend, as someone who loved him, and cared about him, and we would talk when I figured it out. I was worried about his mental being all with just cause obviously. Not a good thing to say on my part at the time as it tipped him off, he knew I would find out things that he didn’t want me to know. Plan B went into effect with  mommy and his sister. He had to cover his tracks. He told them that I was infatuated with him, that I wasn’t his type, he never slept with me, and that he couldn’t wait to get away from me, because I was stalking him. Which of course were all lies, but he had to paint a picture of me being a bad person to make him look like he was being victimized by me. These people were in my home, they saw me take care of him when he was down. They knew I cared about him, I went above and beyond to help him with his surgeries, but yet I was the liar. Even after he moved out, he came back and spent the night with me and took me to dinner. He picked me up from the Airport when I came back from seeing my dad in the hospital in an emergency situation. He came to say goodbye and be intimate one last time before he left. We talked on the phone, he texted me, and if I was a stalker why would he send me his new phone number?  I have all the texts and pictures he sent me. This is how deceptive and cunning he was. When I found out he was this type of person which was a couple of months after he left for California, I sent a letter to him and his mother and I received backlash and harassment from his sister defending him and I was the sick infatuated person even though I had proof of everything I told them. It hurt to be berated like that, but I also knew it was coming, I was prepared thanks to a previous victim, which I am glad I had in my corner and still do. We still have rough patches that we help each other get through because of this asshole of a human being. It seems as though we can’t escape his presence, even though he is no longer around us, what he does still affects us, we take a few steps forward and then something we find out, sets us a few steps back, and even though we have been  moving forward, odd things present themselves to us without us looking for it. It is as if it just falls on our laps and then it dredges up the hurtful things and  then we are berated again. We are victims who tell the truth and he has a mental disorder and lies and gets believed. Definitely something wrong with that picture.

Why do I as a victim have to continue to suffer as I am telling the truth and he continues to tell his lies about me and countless others. Why isn’t my truth believed? Why as a victim do I have to receive backlash from his countless hurtful lies. Why do people with these disorders keep victimizing others and keep getting away with it? Well  I know I am sick of it, I have a right to defend myself. He is a person who never had the balls to talk to me when I tried to confront him. He is a coward and he knows what he is doing, he has moved on to another victim since moving to California,  this is how fast he moves. This is another unsuspecting decent caring woman I am sure, and he is putting her at a health risk, which angers me and upsets me. I know this as a victim speaking the truth, he has taken something away from me that may prevent me from having another relationship, he put my health at risk by lying to me, and he knowingly did this.  He stripped me of something that he didn’t have a right to because he lied, he’s a scammer, he’s worse than a douche bag, he ruins lives. As a victim of his in more ways than one, I am speaking the truth and I don’t care if he hates it, I don’t care if he has to run and hide to another state again.  I don’t care if his little flying monkeys don’t like it. Speaking the truth is the only way I can move forward, I am not cowering down like a sitting duck and waiting to continually be beat down. I am standing up for myself and others so we can stop this abuse. I have so much more truth to tell and I am going to tell it like it is. I am putting myself out there being vulnerable and real. I am a firm believer that the truth always comes out, and I know it will. It will catch up to him someday, all his lies will be revealed, but in the meantime my truths will continue to be spoken and I will continue on my road to recovery from this NPD person and my hope is that I will be beleived as well as others.

I would really like some input and comments from victims of these abusers, it doesn’t matter how long ago or how recent it has been. If you can feel comfortable to share even a little so myself and others can relate. I want others to have a voice in a safe non judgemental environment. This blog is my experience, and it is a first time experience and I know I never want to go through this again. These disorders are more prevalent than most of us know and it can be anyone. I have a family member who is Gay and was abused by another Gay and he said it was awful, he got out of that situation as fast as he could, but it still bothers him. It could be a co-worker trying to beat you to the punch.  It could be a family member, mother or father. I just want those that are having a difficult time to know they are not alone and there is help, support, or encouragement, if you just reach out. In the meantime, keep your head up, smile, be positive and know it does get better. Thank you for reading.

D.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Choices

 

As time progressed with my Charmer I was still in awe of being able to share my time with him, kissing, hugging, making memories, cuddling at night, and being intimate in such a soul binding way. If only I had known then it was all so one-sided. I felt we were still in a good place and I felt like he really did care about me. He showed me thoughtfulness at times, he seemed to want to share more of himself and  his feelings. If he was out and about he would text or call to see if I needed anything. It felt really good to be in this place of contentment with him, especially after going through the trying and difficult times of his knee surgery. I was thankful he was past that and things were returning to somewhat normal or what I perceived as normal, nothing on his end was normal from the beginning, only I had no clue till later on just how unnormal everything actually was. I know at this time I was becoming more involved and I felt really lonely when he wasn’t around, especially on the weekends when he was supposed to be staying at his moms. He had started his training for this insurance company which started to occupy more and more of his time. I never felt he was actually into it, it didn’t seem legit, although I knew about this company because they tried to get me into it a year before he came into my life. He never wanted to work so I just didn’t see this going anywhere with him, he was just going through the motions and talking the talk, like he was going to make tons of money as soon as he got his license and he had people lined up that were going to switch all their insurance needs over to him. I’m not even sure he went to all the training, I am not sure he actually passed the test to get it. I know he studied a lot and he took  pre-tests to see if he passed, and he failed many times, till one day he barely passed the real test. I never saw the actual license, and to this day  I believe that was all just one big huge lie on his part, but it wasn’t the first and it certainly wasn’t going to be the last. I am almost positive he was using this whole situation to go out and meet women, or hang out with the ones in had in the wings. The sad and pathetic thing was I could never catch him or prove that he was up to no good. I just had to tell myself I was being too paranoid and over reacting, I didn’t want to look like an old fool, but damn my gut was trying really hard to tell me things and I was too blindsided to listen. I let it slide, because after all he came home every day or night, we shared our day, we shared laughs, dinner, tv time, we went to bed together just like a couple and he always wanted me to be wrapped around him and I was. So, he couldn’t possibly be cheating on me if everything was that good between us, we were  in a relationship like a typical married couple, I was in love with him, but he wasn’t with me, but I still believe he cared  and really acted like he did, and he was being honest with me or so I thought. What a trusting dumbass I was.

As things were moving along, I remember one night he was complaining his stomach wasn’t feeling right, but he attributed it to over eating, he loved my cooking and honestly made sure he ate as much as he could. He said it was ok later on  and I thought nothing of it. He went to stay at his mom’s or god knows where he was over the weekend and then he called me to say he had been in the ER in the middle of the night because the pain got so bad. They did tests and said he had gall stones, it was his gall bladder, they gave him pain meds and told him to go home and rest and contact his doctor on that Monday morning. He texted me on Sunday to say he wasn’t up to driving and he would come home on Monday. He must have changed his mind and decided to come home on Sunday  and he didn’t tell me, as he was driving the pain got worse, and he decided to go to the VA Emergency and he could barely walk in, they decided to keep him and the next thing I knew he texted me that Monday saying he had just gotten out of surgery. Of course I was in panic mode, not having a clue as to what the hell actually happened, but he said his gallbladder actually was bursting as they took it out of him, of course there was some exaggeration, but after seeing the scar it was pretty darn serious, they had to cut a big chunk of his stomach   as he was full of infection. He didn’t want me to come and see him, but I ended  up going after a Chiropractor appt. I had been rear ended  a week or so before that, I was in a lot of pain in my back from my accident. I was determined to make sure he was ok, come hell nor high water . By the time I went to see him he was in pretty much a lot of pain, and  really loopy from the meds, I didn’t stay long but was just pretty upset over the whole situation, they said he could have died. Obviously I didn’t want to lose him, my heart almost sank.  He was in the hospital for about 5 days before they released him. He didn’t want me to visit him anymore because he shared a room with another person, and he wasn’t getting that much sleep and didn’t want me fussing over him. The real reason was because one of his side kicks was there visiting, and again I didn’t find this out till later. When he was ready to be released I told him I would get him as soon as I was done with my appt for the Chiropractor,  I had to deal with my own  stuff, and then worrying about him, he wasn’t supposed to drive, but yet he was home when I got home, the stubborn-ass couldn’t wait  for me to pick him up.  So many crazy things happening that week, he was in pretty bad shape, and again I became his caregiver, and it was like dejavu all over again, except this time he wasn’t as negative and he was secretly planning his move to California , so that kept him in a better frame of mind because he was getting ready to dispose of me, I served the purpose he needed, and he was done with me. I had no clue again that this was how he operated, I had no clue my world would soon come falling down , and I really thought deep down he would not go through with it.  It was still a little while before he actually moved out, but in the mean time after he healed, he was going out for 4 or 5 hours during the course of the day, going to VFW posts to hunt for cribbage players, which I found out was part of his scam, his con, especially with older women. Always trying to  find the women with money, his next victims. He never failed at having excuses to do something, although he had no job, and I know he didn’t have much money, but yet another little deception, he wanted to hang on to his money, so finding another source was always a priority. I have no idea how he kept things straight in his mind, with lie after lie, all the cons, it had to be exhausting, especially covering his tracks constantly so he wouldn’t get caught. Oh, how I wish he would have, I still wish he would, and women could see through all his bullshit, yet they still fall prey to it. I wish I could scream to draw attention and make them aware. I feel so bad, I want to help, and I know I can’t do a damn thing as he destroys another innocent human being. All I can do is move on, get my life back together, pick up the pieces and be thankful that I don’t have to have my heart broken anymore, that I don’t have to be subjected to all the deceit. I have to  keep counting my blessings as it could have been so much worse with him.  I can no longer obsess over what he is doing, I can no longer worry about him. I have to get back to some type of normalcy and take back everything that he has stolen from me, I no longer want to be miserable, and I do not want to forgive him, I don’t have to, its my right to choose and I choose not too. If I forgive him that means I am still at his level, and I won’t subject myself to him anymore, even though he is no longer a part of my life, he still invades my thoughts, he broke my trust, he lied and cheated, he left me with scars, and he continues on doing this same thing with others and hurting more women in the process, do you really think he deserves forgiveness for that? I don’t and I know now I can continue to heal without acknowledging this evil asshole even more. I have already wasted enough precious time on someone who never deserved my time in the first place, it sucks that I got so pulled in by my Charmer, but I am not going to allow it consume me anymore.

It’s easy to get sucked into  someone who seems to be so charming and  everything you think you are looking for in person. The deception is perfected to make everything look and feel so real. Once you say I love you to that person, they know they have you hook, line and sinker. They will bring that line in closer as they are using you, and  reel you in as they are in control, when they can get what they want from you, they cast you out further, and further, and just leave you dangling. Once your purpose has been used up, and they no longer have any use  for you, you are thrown back in  with all the other hurt and damaged women. Your left to sink from your despair, as they have bigger and better prospects to catch. They are forever casting those lines to see who they can con next. My Charmer threw me back in the water, he didn’t turn around to see if I would sink or swim, he did the same to the previous, he didn’t care about either one of us, as he was after his next victim. I know I am one of the lucky ones actually, and so is the beautiful one before me. We didn’t sink, we swam away maybe with broken hearts, and scars that will take a long time to heal, but we still have our dignity, our pride, our honesty, and sincerity, because we are survivors, and we know how to love,  and care about others, because we are REAL!!!! We have hearts that care. I am trying to share with anyone who has gone through this type of abuse, that there is joy, there is love, there is an empowering strength that you will find in yourself that will help you heal and over come the abuse you have endured. It’s not easy, it will most definitely be a process, but you do have a choice, you can choose to live your life with happiness, you can choose not to obsess over them, and not take up any more precious time, and you can choose to not let these narcissistic assholes steal anymore from you. You can choose to not let it control you. I would love to have my readers share thoughts or comments. It helps bring awareness and if you can relate or know someone who is going through this by sharing it can empower you to have more strength to survive the after math of a Narcissistic/Sociopath Nightmare.!!!! Thanks for reading and please feel free to share my blog with others. Love and strength to you all.

D.

 

 

Moving Forward

What I have found to be very difficult at times is to not lose focus, not getting lost in the anger, and realizing life does go on. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments of sadness, moments of thinking why did this happen, moments of disbelief, and moments where I feel I should have seen the signs, moments that I should have listened to my gut instincts. It’s so hard to believe there are so many people out there that are like this, that have these disorders and go to any length to lie, cheat, manipulate you for their own satisfaction, and use selfish greed to take whatever they can from you. It hurt me so bad when I realized that my Charmer  was the biggest liar , the biggest phony, the most unreal person I had ever met in my life. I believed in him, I trusted him, and I gave my heart to him, only to later learn, it was all a con, a scam, huge mirror that reflected him to be all the things he wanted me to think he was. He never tried to hurt me physically, he never yelled, we never argued, he didn’t constantly put me down, he never did anything to me that I would have suspected of who he really was. He did everything in his power to deem himself a good, caring, loving person, who went through rough spots in life,  but wanted the normal things that others did. I was the unsuspecting empath that was mislead into his dark world, as he did his best to keep  it hidden from anyone who was around him. It took a constant effort, and lie after lie, after lie, to keep up the appearance of this nice, respectful  man, who waltzed into my life, and over took my world with smooth and swift moves, that left me literally reeling and spinning.

There are days that my head still spins as I try to still make sense of everything that happened. I still can’t justify all the things he did behind my back , lying to my face, as he pretended to care about me, acting like he was so appreciative of all the things I had done for him, acting like he was a sympathetic person, pretending to truly care about people and life. In reality the only thing he cared about was himself, covering his constant lies, and tracks, and taking whatever he needed at the moment to satisfy his own needs, and never giving anything back in return. As I learned more about his past and the same tactics he used on other victims he abused, I realized that he didn’t just single me out and it had nothing to do with me but had everything to do with this NPD, that he has. He has been doing this scam, con, on unsuspecting individuals for many years and he has his patterns and  theatrics down to a T. He constantly has plan B in the wings, when his world starts to crumble as his true deceptions come to life, plan B begins, so he can continue to lie and smear his victims, so no one will ever believe he is capable of such things. But oh, believe me this Charmer is totally capable of this, and so much more. In his mind I am sure he has never done anything wrong, but yet he has done the worst things possible by abusing so many mentally, and leaving them standing helplessly as he walks away whenever the urge strikes him to do so. He makes sure while he moves on,  he devastates his victims to a state of submission and denial, and he is well prepared if anyone dares to tell the truth of what actually happened and  the blame is always, always on his victims.

I have been going through a rough few days, and I have to tell myself that it is a blessing that I escaped this abuser without further damage. I can be thankful , it wasn’t physical. I can be thankful that he didn’t constantly threaten me or degrade me to totally lose my self-worth. I can be thankful he left when he did, as he knew I was getting wiser and he didn’t want me finding out about his abhorrent past. If he had stayed and I confronted him, I am sure that the whole situation could have gotten worse and I could have been abused in a whole different way, but again I am thankful that did not happen. I am however still very  hurt, and angry for the mental abuse, abuse in any way shape or form is not acceptable. He messed with my mind with full intent and knowledge of what he was doing. He knew exactly when to use his scam, and probably laughed as he has done it many times over, it’s rehearsed in his twisted mind a thousand times. It is however sickening that he can continue to get away with it over and over. It disgusts me that there isn’t more that we as victims can do to stop or prevent this abuse. There is tons of information out there to read and be prepared for the possibility of another one of these abusers. Signs to look for, ways to detour ourselves from these mentally disordered individuals, then the very obvious is to follow our gut instincts when we know something doesn’t feel right.  However, there are no guarantees that the next person will not be another wolf in sheep’s clothing.

It’s hard to trust, it’s hard to move on, it’s hard to want to love again, no one wants to be victimized again. I think that its going to be longer for me than I even realized and I told my therapist this today. I am so thankful for her help and insight. I don’t think I would have gotten this far had it not been for her giving me tools to use on my road to recovery. She told me I am doing well considering all the circumstances, she say’s we are human and we are definitely allowed to  have shitty days, it’s ok. I am not looking to have a ton of those kinds of days, but even for as far as I have come, the impact of my Charmer is going to creep into my daily living, and I will be angered, I will be sad, I will hurt and I will not forgive. It’s still raw, it’s still real, and it’s still very fresh in my mind. I wish I could say he’s out of my life and that’s it, but anyone who has been abused and have been a victim, knows the healing process can take a very long time. He hasn’t left my life and the damage he caused in it, he still lingers, on almost a daily basis. I know I will be better eventually, I will continue to be strong and move on the best I can and keep as positive as I can. Moving forward is hard, it’s not easy and if anyone says it is, they are wrong. Everyone goes at their own pace, and they themselves have to make  their own decisions on how they move on with their life. Every situation is unique to each individual, but I will say for me it has been a grieving process, and I am making strides, I am determined to continue moving forward because that is the choice I am making for myself,  for my healing, and towards my over all recovery.

If you have been abused by a Narcissist/Sociopath or anyone with a Personality Disorder, please seek help, you will need it, a close friend, family member, a professional, or someone you can trust. This is not something you can do all alone. Do not be afraid, feel embarrassed, or feel stupid, or awkward. You are not alone in your abuse, you will be believed. Do not feel shame, it is not your fault, do not blame yourself. There are so many great articles and information out there and getting professional help will benefit you more than you realize. Do not feel afraid to share your experience, I promise it helps so much in the healing process by talking about it. I am not a qualified person to tell you what types of help you should seek , but I am a victim that is sharing my experience in hopes of helping someone else so they know there is strength in numbers and we don’t have to be silenced  because of what these evil monsters have taken from us.  WE ARE STRONG!!!!!!! WE CAN MOVE PAST THIS AND WE WILL MOVE FORWARD!!!!!

Thank you for reading my blog, please feel free to comment or ask questions.

D.

 

 

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Illusion

 

 

 

In my mind I always beileved The Charmer would get over his broken heart from the ex. I seen him progress into many different things, as I spent more and more time with him. Looking at having some type of future with him always laid dormant in the back of my mind, as I knew we weren’t quite there yet, it would be awhile, ormaybe never, he was recovering from surgery, he was trying to get back on his feet financially, he was trying to gain his confidence back, he was sorting out in his mind where he needed to be in life, and his ex was fading more into the background, and his negativity started to turn into positives. I was looking forward to the day when he was back to his normal self, that happy-go-lucky, smiley, calm, caring, and respectful person. We were begining to have more deep and meaningful conversations. We talked of life, past and present, he again told me he was good with our situation the way we were. He didn’t come out right and say it, but admitted to caring more than he let on, which gave me hope and confidence that if I continued to be patient that everything would work out for us. I felt that we were good for each other, we got along well actually, didn’t argue or fight. When I felt something was off, I would confront him and we talked about it like mature adults and it was all good. Outside of his behavior after the surgery, I felt like we were back on track and I continued to fall more in love with  him. He seemed like he was appreciating me more for being there for him and I felt he was sincere. He started to cuddle more when we went bed, our intimacy improved a lot, he would cover me up in the morning and put a pillow next to me so I could continue to sleep when he got up. There were just little things he would do to show me he cared, and of course I was sucking it all in just like he planned on me doing. I think he figured since I took him to his therapy, Drs. appointments, and the VA hospital, he should act like he cared and show some type of feelings, had to make it look good and convincing

It took some time but as he was recovering, he decided he would start doing things on his own, so he would take his truck and strain himself to get in, and he would make excuses that he had to go here or there, and he wouldn’t be gone long, he was stubborn and pushing himself, but I couldn’t stop him. He was usually truthful about the time, and he would be back and not tell me where he went or what he did, only sometimes. I had a feeling he was seeing someone, but couldn’t prove it and I told myself he wasn’t gone that long to do anything , besides as soon as he came home he was exhausted and in pain. He would get back in his chair and do nothing the rest of the day and night. I always felt guilty for having those thoughts or that I was being paranoid. I didn’t want to mistrust him, but little did I know that my intuition was spot on about that and so many other things. I wanted him to know that I trusted him, so I had to tip toe in asking questions and be nonchalant  the way I asked or suggested. He would answer sometimes, and other times he him hawed with no direct response or he would say I told you the other day, and then he would change the story or what he was doing. He purposely tried to confuse me, only I didn’t see it at the time. I didn’t see many things actually, I saw what he wanted me to see because he knew I trusted him , he knew I loved him, he knew I gave him his space, and he knew how important he was to me, so he could buffalo his way through anything and get away with it, because he didn’t think I would suspect a damn thing. But he didn’t know that behind his back and when he wasn’t at home I began to snoop around in his clothes or pockets, and his paper work to see if I could find clues as to what he was up to. I did this on more than one occasion and I did it in the beginning of our relationship. I did find things, like a casino card, which he said he never liked to gamble, he had a movie ticket stub, for a Sunday matinée when he was supposedly at his moms, I found a hotel receipt for hotel in town, where he stayed when he was doing a weekend tournament, which I later found out he was entertaining women. I wasn’t the jealous type and I don’t know why I felt compelled to check out things, but maybe in my subconscious I knew, I just knew he was a deceitful liar, but I couldn’t prove it, I never had any concrete evidence to support it. I just knew certain things didn’t feel right, but again I thought I was making more out of it and I didn’t want to become that type of person.

As time went on he got better and was leaving to do things whenever he felt like it, usually a couple of times a week, but I always got kisses and hugs and he would pretty much tell me an approximate time he would be gone. He always seemed to come back in a better mood and be content the rest of the day. We had our usual routine of things and he seemed fine. Then the next thing I knew he signed up to be an insurance salesman and he was taking classes, and was going to be making a lot of money. I seen excitement and enthusiasm that I hadn’t seen in a while. The ironic thing is I applied for the exact same job  a year or so earlier, so I knew all about their operation, I thought it was a bit shady and a pyramid type of operation. He said it didn’t cost money, but I knew it did, he had to have a background check, which cost money but he said it didn’t, and then he said they reimburse you once you start working , but they don’t. This whole operation has a big joke written all over it. I knew he told the truth on the training and he did have to take a test to get his license. I just knew he wasted his time and money to do this because he wouldn’t do anything with it, so therefore he wouldn’t make money. I think it was all a big sham to meet women and to prove he was somebody, and he could play with the rich people. He barely passed the test, had to wait on the license , which I never saw, then he decided he wanted to get his license for annuities so he could make the big bucks, but would wait till he went to California to get it, so that’s when the bomb dropped  that he was going to move there.  I was a little shocked as he hadn’t talked to me about it, and I was hurt, but he wasn’t sure or when. I just tried not to think about it, because I just didn’t think he would follow through, I didn’t believe him.  He kept waiting for the insurance license that never came, he said he had to have security clearance from being in the army because he was in special forces, which was a lie, there was something else, some other reason, he kept making excuses. A few months back I beleive I found the reason why, he had a misdemeanor, and if you have a record you won’t get a license for insurance. So, I didn’t know this of course, and with all the other stuff going , my head was already spinning at the thought of him leaving and I wasn’t liking it. But I didn’t know it still wouldn’t be for a while yet, as he had to have an emergency surgery, so it a put a damper and delay on his plans.

Illusions, this is what he portrayed with me and others. Just like a magician pulling a trick out of his hat, only he played many tricks to make the illusion seem real, to put that faith and trust out there. How many times does the magician perform the magic act, to perfect his act, many, many times. It has to be believable , it has to suck the audience in, in this case the victim. It has to be perfected, and practiced over many times to be convincing. It becomes routine, it becomes part of the plan, the game, the illusion that you are the master, and you can hypnotize your victim into following your commands, mess with your head, and take control of their mind. I have come to realize that the Charmer took control of my life, my well-being and took it without my consent, without my participation, by being under handed and deceitful, by committing lie after lie, by cheating, cheating his way into my heart and my life, and by cheating on me with other women. He did this with his illusion of how he wanted me to see him, how he was this convincingly good person, he was respectful and kind, and others would always vouch for his credibility. But he snuck in and raped my mind, he took from me something I did not give willingly, he took advantage, he took for himself and his selfish reasons, with out my consent, without my knowledge, and mentally  victimized me and abused me. He took my love and kindness and stomped on like it was meant for the trash, he took my life and turned it upside down with an illusion. It was a trick, a trick to sneak in and wow me with, and take whatever he could from me, use me, charm me, and abuse my whole and complete state of mind, which he did not have a right to, he did not have my permission, I wasn’t a willing participant, I wasn’t a part of the audience, I wasn’t part of his illusions, but unknowingly I became a part of his delusional mind and a victim to  his magic acts, and then he disappeared.

I hope in sharing my process I can help others from being sucked in by this Illusion. Do not be afraid to talk about your abuser if you have been in any situation like this, or something similar, abuse comes in many forms, just remember that you’re not alone, there is all kinds of help out there, and all kinds of people who care. Take care of you, first and foremost. Please feel free to share my blog with others, and  thank you for taking the time to read them.

D.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surgery, Recovery, and more lies

Looking back at my relationship with The Charmer I still have difficulties believing he always had hidden agenda. I watched him like a hawk, I was so smitten, and I was apparently oblivious to his bad vibes and totally in tune with my own outrageously positive ones. Maybe I conjured them up to see  all the good in him, maybe I was so damn ecstatic that I had what I perceived a beautiful specimen of a man, { was in a reality an evil monster} and oh he was damn good-looking, with his sheepish grin and that  little boy excitement in his eyes, he was tall, and had beautiful tanned skin that went so well with his silver hair. He was a sight to behold at times, and I couldn’t seem to get enough of him. I told him all the time how beautiful he was to me  and he would look at me like I was crazy or totally off the wall. Like who calls a guy beautiful right, especially when he was trying so desperately to uphold this tough guy image. Secretly he was always sucking in every word I would tell him , it boosted his ego, even as he would put him self down, I’m sure it was all intentional so I would pay more attention to him, give him more compliments which I always did, and I thought I was doing it freely but I believe at those times he was truly manipulating me. He worked it so he did get tons more attention and compliments from me, which I now know he thrived on. Of course I heard all the bullshit lines as well, like nobody ever told me that, I’m ugly,  I have a big butt, I was bullied when I was younger for my looks. He couldn’t get women because he wasn’t good enough looking, I wish I was thinner, I was when I was younger, my hair was graying at 19…….on and on it went and on and on I went telling him he was handsome, I loved touching his skin, it was always so soft, I always gave  him hugs and kisses, and trying to build his confidence up. He told me people called him the silver fox,  sly fox would be more accurate in his case. We would go back and forth on all this, almost on a daily basis, but then he seemed to become more accepting as I was throwing out all these positives and we continued to have our little homey relationship inside the walls of my comfy home. The only other person around at times was my daughter when she would come home for visits from College. She told me early on that something was off about him, she has great intuition for someone so young, looking back, I wish I would have listened, but I didn’t. I was bound and determined to make things work even if he was a little insecure or quirky . I just knew in my heart that he was a good person going through a rough patch like we all do, and he was deeply hurt by having his wedding called off, it crushed him and he would never love another like her. The odd thing about all that was he started an intimate relationship with me right off the get go and it was always in the back of my mind that if he really loved her that much how could he be with me so soon.There were other things that he did and said along the way that made me question things about that whole relationship that I will talk about as we progress, but let me just say the picture he painted in his mind was nothing like the reality of that relationship that truly unfolded, and when I found out the real truth, I was in disbelief as well as devastated for her after all he put her through. My heart went out to her as she told me things, he treated me much worse in some respects than he did her, but she also went through so much more hell than I could have ever imagined.

The reason I have to tell some of these things is so that people know how manipulation can turn your world upside down and things can go from really good to pretty shitty really fast and that is what happened when my Charmer got in his accident and then had surgery. I basically became his caregiver as I said before. When he finally had his surgery scheduled and it was going to be out-patient,  I had to fight tooth and nail to have him allow me to be there. He said it wasn’t necessary and he could drive home after wards, blah, blah, blah. I told him he couldn’t he would have been under and he would be out of it and  he really was after wards. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me there but after awhile he gave in and told me at the last-minute his mom and sister were going to be there and I wasn’t to tell them any of our business, He said his sister was a busy body and tries to have her nose in his business and he didn’t like that and his mom couldn’t hear well and she couldn’t know he was in a relationship, especially so soon after his ex broke off the wedding. So like a dummy I kept my mouth shut and didn’t say anything, I just had to play the landlady role and act like I was concerned and a good person that wanted to help, and even though that was true. I  loved him and wanted to be there for him. I later learned the real reason he didn’t want me there, is because he was afraid I would tell them things he didn’t want them to know and then he would have to make up more lies and cover his ass.  Before surgery, mommy and the sister were able to go talk with him and I didn’t because the sister hogged all the time, I was kind of pissed off about that, but what could I do, I was like  damn obedient servant and I don’t know why, that is so not me. I guess the mind control he had over me had me in a state like a robot, where somebody programs and sets the robot to the commands. I didn’t like doing that and it went against my way of thinking. I didn’t know his mom or sister, it was the first time I had met them, and he was already under, so I did what I was commanded to do, but let me tell I was told enough information about the his life that I could have written a book. The sister was just non-stop on all past relationships, the ex, how women used him and he was such a good guy, why hell if she wasn’t his sister, she would marry him herself. When I heard that, it immediately gave me some strange vibes, wasn’t quite sure what the hell to make of that. It was weird to say the least. Mommy put her two cents worth in a few times and said how she would have to take him to California in August, because that is when he would have gotten married and she was just so worried he wouldn’t be able to handle it. His theatrics had them so convinced that he was still so heartbroken ,  where in the sam hill did these people come from, did they even have a brain and couldn’t they see through his lies. After we went back to the surgery center we had to wait another couple of hours and  I heard more, especially about the ex and how she accused him of cheating. The sister said I have known my brother all my life and he would never cheat on anyone, he loved her, he wouldn’t do that and he was only going to give that girl a motorcycle ride and her boyfriend was right there. Yes I heard this story too, only a slightly different version, some details missing, and a lot more lies. The sister proceeded to tell me she wrote the ex and told her off for hurting her brother. Pretty sad when a grown man can’t speak for himself. I tried to ask some logical questions to the sister, I wanted to see all what she would say and I was curious about the ex, at this point I knew only what the Charmer told me and even though I took his side through most of it , something in the back of my mind nagged at me and said there is just more to this lady and I cannot believe she would basically almost leave him at the altar if it wasn’t something more serious. She was a little younger than me and quite independent, good job, good head on her shoulders, yeah I just knew things were off and I did find out eventually just how off they were.

Finally my Charmer came out of surgery all loopy as hell. He couldn’t stand up barely and he is a big dude, he was pretty wobbly and had crutches. He went in mommy’s van, it was too much for him to get in his truck. I drove his truck back to my house, they followed me back, stayed for a bit to make sure I could take care of him. I had everything all set up and ready to go and when they realized I could handle the situation and they couldn’t do anything they finally left, and thank god, I was ready to sit down. Although I knew I wouldn’t rest too much, I had to help him with the crutches and get him up to go to the bathroom, wait on him, fix his meals, give him his medicine, put pillows under his leg, get ice packs, and just be there for anything he needed really and I was. I felt sorry for him, it was rough the frist week, he was in a lot of pain, he was stubborn as hell, and he sat and wouldn’t get moving like he was supposed to. I thought I was going to be sleeping alone that first week, but we managed to sleep together after I went through a half hour ritual getting him into bed and getting him comfortable. I didn’t sleep well, as he moaned and tossed and turned, but I was right there for him. I will say in the beginning of all that he thanked me all the time and said how he appreciated it, and in the next breath he would say what a burden he was, he didn’t know how I could put up with him, he did get mean, depressed, and over emotional. It was nerve-racking to say the least, then he whinned like a baby and said his life was going nowhere, he was getting old and he didn’t have a job, no one would hire him. During this time he was acting like a little spoiled brat that couldn’t have his way. I was seeing sides to him that I didn’t like, one day I snapped at him and told him to quit feeling sorry for himself, I was throwing positives and trying to be supportive of him and he said well I can’t be all happy and positive like you all the time, and that was it, the way in which he said it tripped me off so I had to tell him. And he did straighten up and apologized and he acted better for quite a while. It was during this time he became agitated because he had two other women on the side and he couldn’t see them or talk to them even though I didn’t know at the time, this is why his behavior was so erratic and why he was lashing out at me. In hindsight he treated me pretty shitty during his recovery a lot of the time, and in my mind I made damn excuses for him because I knew he hurt which was real and he played it to his advantage as well, then he was restless because he was used to being on the go, which I understood, and it gave him time to think and I believed he felt worthless, Narcs usually do, but never show that side, the medication was making him a little weepy and  over emotional ,so I excused  most of his behavior at that time.  The real truth of it was, he couldn’t sneak around, he couldn’t talk to women, I was always there, he couldn’t play his theatrics on anyone, and he was preparing for his departure months in advance. I just honestly didn’t know at the time during his recovery that he was already planning his move to California. He had talked about it a couple of times, and he didn’t know where he was going. I never believed he was serious, but another unexpected surgery came about and those plans got delayed for a few more months.

As I continue down memory lane with my Charmer,it wasnt all bad memories, there was laughter, fun, silly, off the wall moments that I truly cherished, moments of intimacy that was so convincingly real, that brought me closer to him. I know now it was not real and it makes me sad to know that a person can go to such great lengths to make things appear as they want and make you believe and give you false hope. I still have dreams of my Charmer and as ironic as it is, in each dream he is being a good person, making amends, maybe that is so embedded in my  subconscious that it  is what I want and need out of my dreams, and only if it truly happened. Sometimes I wish it would and I know that the other person wished this at times too. It’s hard not to want that, we are human and we need to have some type of closure in this process. I am not going to lie, as hard and as terrible as this is, there are days I long to be in his arms, days I want to hear his voice, days I want to kiss his lips one more time, days that I want to see that smile one more time. Am I crazy for longing for something I thought was real?  I don’t feel I am crazy and I never was. I am a caring, loving person, who took pity on a person that is not real, does not feel, does not care, and does not love. This was a shell of  person on the outside with an empty soul on the inside, that deceives, cons, lies, cheats, and ruins lives. My Charmer takes kind, caring, decent, loving women, strips them of their self-worth, manipulates, abuses, and victimizes them leaving them hang in the lurch, and yes its sad I am one of his victims , but when I start feeling a little sappy and missing those moments like I do from time to time, it’s only been 6 months, so things are still fresh, I quickly remind myself of all the things he did to me that were not nice and how he abused me and put me into risky situations without my knowledge, how he looked me in the eye and lied over and over, how sneaky he was, how he cheated with other women, how hard he tried to make himself look so good, and how he has turned things against me since I found out who he really is.  I have to say I don’t care, I am better than that, I deserve more, it’s not about me. He’s the one with the personality disorder  and there isn’t anything I can do about that, but to continue on my path, to love my self, stay strong and keep being a survivor. I am thankful for the people who love and support me. I feel thankful that I can use this format to continue to help in my healing. I hope you as my readers continue reading, and if you know anyone who has gone through this or can relate to it please tell them about my blog. If you have questions or comments please feel free to post them.

D.

 

 

 

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